The Culprit Is?
by LaurenGlen
Summary: Humor fic. A useless lawyer, an arrogant judge, what more could Yagari Touga ask for? Oh yeah, somebody save him! KanamexZero


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Vampire Knight nor do I own Strauss Akabara. The general plot of the story is borrowed from Hikari Kaitou's 'Their Love in Fifty Words' and I couldn't resist borrowing some of the lines as well. They are so funny! **

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_Stay calm_, Yagari Touga told himself. _These fools don't have anything on you because you're innocent. Why the hell am I prime suspect anyway?!_

Yagari would love nothing more than to break free from the chains that tied his entire body to the steel-bolt chair and strangle the first person he could get his hands on preferably the prosecutor who was presently leering at him from the shadow of her black parasol. Why did she have a parasol in the first place Yagari did not know and probably didn't want to. The said prosecutor wasn't even dressed in proper attire: long, black, gothic dress; a pair of black shoes and black lace gloves; a black veil. She looked totally ridiculous.

If Yagari could laugh at her just for the sake of irritating her he would. But nooo he couldn't. Why? It was because of the pathetic excuse he had for a lawyer. He cast his eyes to ceiling and let out a long, suffering sigh. Upon finding out that Yagari was going to be tried for murder Kaien Cross had taken it upon himself to defend his long-time friend. Without the knowledge of the accused, Kaien had done a little research and became Yagari's lawyer when he could've hired someone else. _Anyone would have been fine so long at it wasn't this dimwit! _Yagari really wanted to scream. _This guy doesn't even have a law degree!_ _Aaargh! _

Kaien met his death-gaze and waved cheerfully. He went towards him. "Yo!" he said.

"Don't yo me you idiot!" Yagari hissed. "I told you not to come! Knowing your big mouth, you probably have a better chance of sentencing me to life in prison than the prosecutor!"

"So mean Yagari!" Kaien feigned hurt, pouting. "I'm your lawyer!"

"Exactly my point!"

"But I couldn't just let you get bullied in court without somebody to cheer you on! Trust me – you'll be thanking me once you need somebody's shoulder to cry on!"

"I don't need somebody's shoulder! I need a real lawyer!"

The sound of somebody clearing their throat caught everyone's attention. The balliff addressed the court in a loud, serious voice. "All – with the exception of the accused – rise for the honorable Judge Kuran, presiding."

Wait…did he say Kuran?

The courtroom doors flew open and Kaname Kuran elegantly walked inside. He was wearing his Night Class uniform. Everyone in the room was silent, including Yagari whose jaw dropped all the way down to the floor.

No freakin' way.

"WHAT ARE DOING HERE, VAMPIRE?!" he demanded, pointing accusingly at him. "How can you be the judge? You KILLED the real judge, didn't you?! Killed him and replaced him!"

"That's enough, Yagari-sensei," Kaname said with a smirk. Yagari really wanted to punch that pretty face of his. "You will respect my position as judge or I shall hold you in contempt."

Yagari gapped at him. "You can't be serious?!" He looked at the others. They all wore solemn faces – a testament of the severity of his situation.

"You're not doing yourself any good by disrespecting me, the judge," Kaname said smugly. "So be quiet or I shall throw this case out and you'll be simply taken to jail without trial."

Yagari gritted his teeth and relented.

The bailiff began to speak again. "Yagari… Yagari…" he stopped and frowned as he scanned his sheet. "Hmm… there doesn't seem to be a last name here."

"Tch. Pathetic," Yagari sneered. "How the hell is it possible to bring a guy to court without even knowing his damn name?"

"Spare us your critique of the country's justice system and tell the court your last name, Touga-sensei," Kaname said with a bored expression.

"You just said it!"

Kaname gave him a look that said_ I'm waiting…_

"Whatever," Yagari sighed. "My last name is Touga."

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Shut up, vampire!" he spat.

"You will address me as 'Your Honor', Touga-sensei, if you wish for this trial to continue any further," Kaname replied calmly.

Yagari looked ready to kill.

"You may continue with the reading of the charges, bailiff," Kaname said.

Said balliff cleared his throat before speaking. "Yagari Touga, you are charged with the kidnapping and murder in the first degree of Zero Kiryu…"

"I did not kill my apprentice!" But nobody paid attention to him.

"How do you plea?" the ballif said.

"You deaf?!"

"Answer the question, Touga-sensei," Kaname said. The pureblood was enjoying his dilemma - the bastard!

Yagari growled and said, "Not guilty."

Murmurs rose in the courtroom. Kaname sighed. "Very well, Touga-sensei. Although I'm sure that claim is 100 percent false—"

"Of course you are," Yagari growled.

"-we shall now proceed with the opening statements. Lauren Glen, if you would, please?"

The prosecutor walked over to where the jury was seated, cleared her throat and began to speak. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…" she began in a monotone voice. "Please take a good look at the defendant. He's a very intimidating man, isn't he?"

The people of the jury nodded and muttered their agreement. Yagari glared at them all and they quickly averted their eyes.

"He's a big, mean, vicious pirate and he's the one that killed Zero Kiryu. Thank you."

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Yagari roared. "THAT'S NOT AN OPENING STATEMENT!"

Kaien Cross reached up and tugged on his sleeve to get his attention. "My turn's next. Don't worry - I'll win this case by a landslide." He winked.

For the first time since forever, Yagari felt a glimmer of hope. Even Kaien Cross had more common sense that woman!

"Hello, Headmaster Cross," Kaname said pleasantly. "Your opening statement?"

Kaien approached the jury and spread out his hands dramatically. "Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I think that my friend Yaga-chan is innocent. Thank you!"

"THIS IS CONSPIRACY!" Yagari shrieked. ""YOUR OPENING STATEMENT WAS EVEN WORSE THAN THE GOTH'S! AND WHAT'S WITH THE STUPID NAME?!"

"Thank you, Headmaster," Kaname said, not the least bit fazed by the two ridiculous opening statements. He turned to the prosecutor. "Lauren Glen, you may call your first witness to the stand."

"I, Lauren Glen, call Yuki Kuran to the stand."

Said girl got up from her seat and nervously approached the witness box.

"Does Yuki Kuran promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and blah blah blah…" Yagari rolled his eyes. How the hell did this woman hold on to her job?

"I do," Yuki Kuran said breathlessly.

"No need to be so nervous, Yuki," Kaname told his sister kindly.

"Y-yes, Nii-sama!"

Yagari scrutinized the girl. She may be the freak's younger sister and a pureblood but at least she had a heart. Kaien had raised her after all.

"How does Yuki know Touga?" Lauren asked in the same monotone voice. Sheesh, is she a doll or something?

"H-he's Zero's mentor," Yuki said nervously.

"What about the victim?"

"My best friend. We grew up together when I lived with Dad."

"How was the relationship between Zero Kiryu and Yagari Touga?"

"Very close. They love each other like father and son."

"You mean loved."

"Huh?"

"You said the present tense of the word love when it should be past tense since Zero Kiryu is dead."

"Oh yeah!" Yuki laughed nervously, rubbing her head. "Ooops."

_Should she be laughing at a time like this?_ Yagari thought incredulously.

"What do you think of Yagari Touga?" Lauren pressed on.

"Oh I think he's a strict mentor with a kind heart."

Lauren Glen smiled smugly. "What do you mean by strict?"

"Um, there was this one time Zero was feeling really tired and Touga-san tried to shoot him multiple times when he saw that he wasn't performing well in his Hunter training."

All eyes stared at Yagari who scowled. "They were warning shots. I wasn't actually aiming at him."

"…Have you ever seen the Touga and Kiryu argue before, Yuki? Or any event that made you think Touga would want to hurt Kiryu?"

Yuki looked at her brother nervously. Kaname smiled and said, "Go on."

"There was this one time…they had a really big argument. They were in an empty classroom and I happened to pass by and overheard them. Zero told Touga-san about his secret relationship with Nii-sama and Touga-san got really mad. He said he'd rather shoot Zero than see him get married off with a vampire."

Silence.

Kaien looked scandalized. "Yaga-chan, you big meanie!" he shouted. "How could you deny Zero-chan the happiness he deserved?"

"What a horrible father-figure…" whispered one of the jurors.

"No heart, no heart at all," another said, shaking his head.

"ARE YOU PEOPLE ON DRUGS?! YEAH, SO MAYBE I DID THREATEN HIM A LITTLE BUT WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?! MY APPRENTICE WAS DATING A VAMPIRE! AND NOT JUST ANY VAMPIRE, THAT VAMPIRE!" Yagari pointed at a smirking Kaname Kuran.

"….So?" everyone said in one single chorus.

Yagari banged his head, forming a crack on the table.

"Headmaster, would you tranquilize your client, please?" Kaname requested. "I want him alive by the time this case is over."

"Right away, Your Honor," Kaien said, mysteriously pulling out a doctor's needle from underneath his jacket.

"Don't you dare," Yagari growled.

"Then be a good boy and behave now, Touga-sensei," Kaname said smoothly. "Now, Headmaster, you may call your witness."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Kaien said. "I choose…Strauss Akabara!"

Yagari frowned. He didn't know anyone with said name. It didn't him take long to discover who – and what – the next witness was though.

Strauss Akabara replaced Yuki in the witness box. To Yagari's disgust he realized he was a pureblood, a handsome vampire with electric blue hair and red eyes. There was a confused expression on his face as though he had no idea why he was here.

"Does Strauss Akabara promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" Kaien asked.

"I will certainly answer with honesty," the pureblood said, still looking confused.

"OK then. How does Akabara-san know Touga Yagari?" Kaien asked.

The blue-haired pureblood studied Yagari's face. "I don't think so," he said. "I've never met him, actually, or seen him before."

"I see…" Kaien said slowly. "What about Zero? Zero Kiryu?"

Strauss shook his head and said, "I don't think I know anyone by that name either."

Kaien threw the jury a significant look. "Did the jury people hear that? Strauss Akabara doesn't know Yagari Touga _or _Zero Kiryu."

The people of the jury nodded thoughtfully and began to mutter to each other. Strauss Akabara watched them, looking politely puzzled. Yagari, on the other hand, was beside himself.

"Are you kidding me? Kaien, you benign fool, why the hell did you call that guy up there if he doesn't know either me or Zero?!"

"No further questions, Your Honor," Kaien simply said.

"Very well. Do either of you have anymore witnesses, Ms Glen, Headmaster?" Kaname said.

"None," Lauren Glen said.

"No, Your Honor," said Kaien.

"Good. I, Kaname Kuran, by the power vested in me hereby declare Yagari Touga guilty—"

"Wait a second—" Touga started.

"—and sentence him to life in prison. Guards, you may take him away." Kaname waved his hand as if to say 'shoo'.

"-shouldn't we wait for the jury to carry out a verdict or something?!" Yagari protested, "What kind of sick justice system is this?!"

"Screw the system, I'm a pureblood. I can do whatever I please," Kaname said haughtily.

"It was nice meeting you, Yaga-chan," Kaien said tearfully, waving a handkerchief.

Yagari was about to shriek his protests (and several hair-raising curses) when somebody screamed.

"WAAAIT!"

The courtroom doors burst open. Standing there in the doorway was none other than…Zero Kiryu.

If there was a single illustration that could describe the general expression in the courtroom it was: 0_0

"Zero?!" exclaimed Yuki.

"You're alive!" Kaien cried happily.

"Sweet mother of-" an awed Yagari was cut off by Kaname.

"Somebody get rid of this criminal immediately," the pureblood demanded.

"Are you blind?!" Yagari shouted. "My apprentice is right there! All charges against me are invalid!"

"Oh shut up or I will have you execu-"

"YOU!" Zero screamed, pointing an accusing finger at Kaname. "YOU KIDNAPPED ME, YOU PSYCHO! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE IN JAIL!"

"I did not kidnap you," Kaname said, looking insulted. "I simply locked you in my room. There is a difference. By the way, how did you get out?"

"NEVER MIND THAT!" Yagari said. "YOU KNEW ZERO WAS ALIVE YET YOU STILL HAVE THE GALL TO DECLARE ME GUILTY OF A CRIME YOU COMMITTED?!"

Kaname crossed his arms and pouted. "I didn't have a choice," he explained. "Zero refused to take our relationship to the next level until you gave us your sincere support. After Yuki told me about your little argument, I knew I had to get rid of you. There should be one person in Zero's heart and that person is me. I don't care if you're his father-figure, Zero is mine."

"Nii-sama.." Yuki's eyes were sparkling.

"Kaname," Kaien said breathlessly, "you really love him, don't you?"

"…Yes."

"And you, Zero?" the ex-hunter asked. "How do you feel about Kaname?"

Zero was blushing furiously. "Idiot, if I didn't like you we wouldn't be dating in the first place. So yeah, I guess feel the same."

With vampire speed, Kaname appeared right beside him. "Zero," he said as he embraced the silver-haired vampire. "Thank you for feeling the same way…"

"…I still haven't forgiven you for kidnapping me."

Kaname laughed. "Is that so?" he said slyly. Zero yelped when the pureblood picked him up – bridal style. "We'll see about that." With that, he ran off, carrying a red-faced, protesting Zero with grace.

Silence.

"I still haven't given my consent," Yagari said stubbornly.

Kaien Cross cleared his throat. "Everyone," he addressed the entire courtroom, "take out your tranquilizers. It seems our mean pirate needs to be taught a lesson."

Upon seeing countless needles, Yagari Touga, fearless vampire hunter, fainted.

* * *

Yagari Touga woke and immediately sat upright. _It was just a dream_, he thought and began to relax. He frowned. _Or maybe a premonition_….

**THE NEXT DAY…**

"Master, there's something I want to talk with you about," Zero began.

A sense of doom came upon Yagari. "It doesn't have anything to do with Kuran, does it?" he asked.

Zero's face reddened. "H-how did you know?"

"Instinct," he lied.

"So you're ok with our relationship?"

"Let's just say if I didn't say yes, Kaien and just about everybody else will stick a needle in me." Yagari patted his apprentice's shoulder. "Just promise me Kuran won't have any reason to throw me in jail in the future."

"…Suure?"

THE END

**Author: This story was written in a rush so please forgive me if it's not up to your standard. **

**Lauren Glen: Review.**

**Author: By the way, creepy-goth-prosecutor-who-has-the-same-name-as-I, who are you really?**

**[There is a _poof _sound and Lauren Glen's form is concealed beneath a cloud of pink smoke. When the smoke subsides, a black hooded figure is seen in her place]**

**Author: 0_0**

**Grim Reaper: …. [Disappears]**

**Author: Creepy…**


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